I have thought of leaving PL for so many times.. But I could not afford losing it and the few good people I have came across..
I am so glad RECOIL gave me the link to this site. Never really thought I could actually write and receive inspiring and rewarding commendations from you guys.. And I believe that a writer could write better with an inspiration.
For the past few months, my Life has revolved around PL. Everyday, when i arrive in my office, the first thing I would do is to turn on the computer, click mozilla firefox icon and type www.pinoyliterotica.com.. It’s addictive.
It’s not just with the posts and the comments, but the people, the madlang PL. In one way or another, you guys have influenced me and made me a better person as well..
Why am I leaving? Hindi na ba ako masaya sa PL? Well of course I am.. It is something personal.. I am leaving because I want to move on.. I could no longer write, coz I feel so uninspired, broken.. I have to leave to find myself again.. I have to leave coz I need to heal..
The past few days, I have mastered the art of pretending. Pretending I’m okey, when I am not. Trying to convince myself that I am brave, when I really want to give up. Been making lies just to hide how I really feel.
Recently, I did something that I thought I could easily get through.. Beforehand, someone already warned me that what I am about to do is too risky. But I didn’t listen. I thought I was tough.
Yes, it happened yesterday.. It was like ‘a dream come true’.. Surprisingly, it later turned out to be a nightmare.. A nightmare because I have to endure the pain again, and the intensity is like double or triple.. Imagine that feeling of seeing someone you have been yearning to be with, and you feel like you want to hug him, tell him how happy you are to finally see him and tell him how special he is to you, but you just can’t because it cannot be.. It cannot be us, it can never be us..
I’m married. He’s with someone else.. And I do respect that, because that someone else is a good friend of mine.. In all honesty, I am very very much happy for both of them, whatever they have right now..
I just wish I could inject something to my body to make my heart numb permanently.. The pain is almost unbearable.. Well I guess, it’s nobody’s fault.. It’s just that we are caught in circumstances that brought us to this situation..
I tried to deny to everyone that it does affect me.. I tried to convince myself that I’m gonna be alright, but I am not.. I could even hardly get some sleep at night, even after i drown myself to some alcoholic substance..
I have known some other PL people who left PL, and there’s one common reason for them leaving this site.. Love, Pain and Moving On.. Now I know how those people felt..
I guess my time has come.. I may be back, I may not be back, I am not yet sure.. But I am sure I need to distance myself from anything that could trigger the pain, it’s killing me.. I feel so bad that I need to leave this site, but I have to do it for myself.. Soon, I’ll be moving to a new office, a new home, hopefully, it would be easier for me to move on.
I maybe back, when I’m ready to face it again, when I find myself again. PL is like a fantasy world for me.. It’s where i try to unleash my desires, whether it’s friendship, love or lust.. Here in PL, I can be anyone I want to be.. But I guess I’ve had too much.. I guess it’s time for me to go back to the real world, focus on my work and my family..
To my ever dearest sister friend, you know who you are. I am so sorry if I have to do it this way. As I told you before, I am a coward. I am so sorry if I lied, if I concealed my true feelings. I have nothing against you or him, not even a little. The friendship I shared with you, it’s genuine. You are a very wonderful person. Please do understand that I really need to do this.. I just cannot tell it straight to you..
To the madlang PL, my heartfelt thanks for making me feel at home in this virtual world of ours.. Somehow, I felt I belong here, I belong with you guys.. Thank you so much, for the inspiring comments, the appreciation, the advices..I won’t name names na lang baka may makaligtaan ako..
With regards to my unfinished series, I may ask someone else to post it when it’s done, in fact it’s almost done..
Thank you soooo much, I will miss everyone of you…