Spring Fling

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Paris.  Spring 2007.  Nagpunta ako dito para sa isang maikling bakasyon at para subukang hanapin ang sarili ko, to find peace and solace, ‘ika nga.  In my two years of working in London, naranasan ko ang buhay na hindi ko kailanman natikman sa Maynila.  I laughed, I loved, I struggled, and most of the time, I cried.  Sobrang kalungkutan ang nagtulak sa akin para puntahan ang siyudad na ito na tinaguriang pinakaromantiko sa buong mundo.  Dito ko rin nakilala ang isang taong nakapagpabago ng pananaw ko sa buhay, at sa relasyong sekswal.

 

Si Alan, isang kapwa Pilipinong kagaya ko ay naghahanap din ng mga kasagutan sa buhay.  Our paths crossed while on a trip to the top of the famous tower, kami lang dalawa ang Pilipino sa tour na yun.  Like a scene from the movie Serendipity, sabay namin dinampot ang isang visitor’s guide map, and the minute our hands brushed, the short affair was born.

 

Since we were both travelling alone, we decided to take the majestic tour around the city together.  Mabait, maloko, unang tingin ay suplado,  Alan was a gentleman in every way.  I was drawn to his deep view of life, his positive outlook, and he had this casual way of expressing his need of finding a deeper meaning of his existence.  Sabi nila opposites attract, pero sa pagkakataong ito, we were like same birds flocking the same sky together.  Kakahiwalay lang niya sa kanyang partner,  ako naman ay nasa gitna ng isang magulo at long-distance na relasyon.  I could say na heartache brought us together.

 

Pangatlong araw na namin iniikot ang siyudad, pareho na kaming komportable sa isa’t-isa.  Lame jokes, dinners and cups after cups of coffee together, a few glimpse into each other’s personal lives, walang minuto na hindi ako tumatawa. 

 

 We were then having supper at the hotel I was staying at, both exhausted from a walk along downtown Paris.  Maraming tao, maingay, magulo.

 

 ’Gusto kita, Belle, maybe you have realized that already.  This like is becoming a want, ayoko ng nararamdaman ko.’  all of sudden he blurted out.

 

Muntik ako mabilaukan sa kinakain ko.  Hindi ko agad naintindihan ang ibig nyang sabihin.

 

‘You mean you don’t want my company anymore?’ yun lang naisagot ko.

 

‘I meant gusto kita. I want to have you’, walang paliguy-ligoy.  Tinitigan niya ako ng matagal, his face unfathomable, gusto ko matunaw, suddenly oblivious to the crowd around us.

 

Matagal na katahimikan.  Hindi ko akalaing yun ang sasabihin niya.  I am somehow used to men professing interest, pero hindi ako handa sa isang ‘to, he caught me off-guard.  ‘I want you, too’, sa loob-loob ko, pero hindi ko masabi.  Mahirap sabihin, mahirap madapa.  Hindi ako sanay sa casual flings,  I value relationships, and for a person like me whose been to one too many, naging cautious na ako.

 

‘My want doesn’t mean I will’, narinig kong sabi niya.  ‘Nirerespeto kita, and while I still have that little trust on my own judgment, hiwalay muna tayo, before it gets too far.  Besides, you’re going home soon, you need some breathing space.’

I remained quiet.  Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko, afraid that one word might give me away.  I was melting deep inside, the feeling was mutual. Paano mo sasabihing gusto mo rin ang isang taong nakilala mo pa lang ng ilang araw?  Papaano mo ipapaliwanag ang pagnanasang nararamdaman mo sa taong hindi mo lubos na kilala?  I didn’t even realize I was capable of feeling such considering i felt so empty as a person.  Mahirap madapa, paulit-ulit kong sabi sa sarili ko.

 

Hinatid niya ako sa kuwarto ko after we ate. One big false move.  Inside the room as I was about to kiss him goodbye, he held both my hands so tight, sending sparks of electricity down to the core of my being.  Tiningnan ko mga mata niya, the look of lust and deep longing, the perplexing look remained on his face.

 

‘Alan, i thought…’  pinutol niya sasabihin ko with one deep kiss.  Nakakalula.  Halos wala na ako marinig sa lakas ng kaba ng dibdib ko.

 

‘Let me hold you, Belle.  At least allow me to hold on to the memory of this.’  niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit, di ako makahinga.

 

I felt his hard manhood pressing against my back, his breaths were ragged, he was holding himself too much. My own self-control was slowly slipping away.  Naramdaman ko kamay niya sa tagiliran ko, slowly descending down to a throbbing part of me. He lifted my skirt and  I gasped as the hand came in contact with my skin.

 

‘Tell me to stop. Please tell me.’  he hissed.

 

‘No, don’t stop..’ hindi ko alam kung saan galing yun. ’I want you, too.’  I turned to him and kissed him back.  Naramdaman ko ang paghagod niya sa katawan ko, parang hinahagod ang buo kong pagkatao.  Suddenly he was unbuttoning my top, he cupped my breast and I let out a deep moan.

 

My strong resolve wavered in front of my very own eyes, I was wantonly giving myself to him.  Unti-unti akong napapaso.  My hands frantically sought his manhood, I was dying inside to have him.  We were becoming hurried and desperate, slowly giving in to the call of lust.  Then suddenly I felt him stop.

 

‘ I can’t do this, I’m sorry’, narinig kong sabi niya.  Nakaramdam ako ng pagkapahiya sa sarili ko.  Para akong matutunaw sa kinatatayuan kong yun.

 

‘Gustong-gusto kita, Belle.  More than you’ll ever realize.  May tamang paraan, may tamang panahon.’   he was planting soft kisses on my forehead, mahigpit niya akong niyakap.

 

Hindi ako makapagsalita, naramdaman ko na lang ang pagdaloy ng luha sa aking mga pisngi.  Sinabi ko sa kaniya na tama siya.  Hindi ko gawain yun, I was in a relationship then.  Logic and common sense prevailed.

 

He stayed until late sa hotel room ko.  We talked intently with him holding me.  Sinabi ko sa kanya na nagpunta ako sa lugar na yun para makahanap ng katahimikan, and he was the same.  A short-lived affair will be far from what we were both looking for.  Sa isang lugar na kagaya ng Paris,  na kung tutuusin ay pareho kaming malungkot at nag-iisa, madaling sunggaban ang pinapangakong panandaliang ligaya, ang tawag ng tukso ng laman.  Madaling madarang, at kung nagkataong yun ang hinahanap ko ng mga sandaling iyon, tiyak natupok na ako ng apoy.

 

We parted ways with sadness in my heart.  Bumalik ako sa London, at siya naman eventually ay umuwi na ng Pilipinas.  Hindi ko na sinagot ang mga e-mails niya.  Dumating ang panahon na naghiwalay kami ng boyfriend ko, and everytime I go home to Manila I’d be tempted to call Alan in the hope na madugtungan ang isang alaala. Pero minsan, ang isang bagay ay nananatiling maganda kapag ito ay isa lamang na alaala.

 

Isang malaking lesson ang natutunan ko dito sa yugtong ito ng aking buhay.  As sexual as we are as human beings, we still have the capacity to decide and hold reign. We live, we learn, we love, and along that process people come into our lives, some stay forever, some go and leave us hollow,  but there are people who may have left but will always leave imprints.  Isa si Alan sa mga taong ‘yun na dumaan sa buhay ko, nagbigay kulay, panandalian, pero may kabuluhan.

 

Malapit na naman ang tagsibol.  Maaninag na  ang unti-unting pagsilip ng araw na papalit sa dilim na bumabalot sa  malamig na mga gabi.  Ang munting hangin at ulan ay muli na namang magbibigay kulay sa madilim na bahagi ng daigdig na ito.  Kagaya ng lahat na spring na dumating sa buhay ko, kasabay nito ang hindi ko maiwasang balikan ang isang alaala ng aking nakaraan.

 

This is for you, AG, wherever you are..

 

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