This story is based from life. It is non-sexual as well. I just wanna pour out my pain. 
Hope you enjoy this. Will be posting French Kisses: Quatrieme Chapitre anytime tonight.
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Lindy has never lived her childhood as she should have. At age 5, her toys were taken away from her and were given to her less fortunate relatives. Then, they made her hold just books and her scribbling materials. She was an intelligent girl. They put her in pre-school, but then she lost interest because their lessons were too easy for her. So, a few months later, she entered kindergarten. Even though she came later than most of her classmates, she managed to get on the top of the class standings. At graduation day, she gained 3rd honor.
At 6, she was already in the 1st grade. Every morning, her teacher made her lead the prayers and the songs before their classes start. When their teacher goes on errands, she was always assigned to become the little teacher. At recognition day, she was the 2nd best in their class. Year by year, she gained ribbons and awards. In school, her teachers praised her achievements. Though there were smarter kids than her, she was most recognized. She was sent to competitions, and brought home trophies. She reached the 6th grade, her greatest achievement was passing the two screenings of the Philippine Science High School entrance examination. She was one of the five in her school. She was proud of herself.
Yet, her heart got broken. Her parents didn’t let her study there. Instead, she was thrown into a public school, and she was on the top Science section. Even though she was in a good school, she wasn’t happy. She wondered why her parents didn’t let her study to where she should be. Four long years went by, four long years of longing. In school, she showed no interest. Though she remained on the top quarter of the class, she wasn’t enthusiastic with her studies. She seemed to not understand their discussions. But her routine remained the same. She had always been the “school-house” type of student. Her social life was blank. She never went out with anyone, because she was never allowed to do so. Once, studying by her window, she saw her childhood friends perched under one of the trees outside. And she realized how much she has missed them. And thought of the time when her parents stopped her from going out to them. Memories of their young moment dawned on her. When they would always play “Sand Peter”, “Hide and Seek”, “Tumbang Preso”, “Habulan”, “Luksong Tinik”. “Chinese Garter”, and “Game Ka Na Ba?” She remembered all the times when she would always win, and her friends would make her cry. She remembered their laughter, their banters, how they would sweat so hard from playing all day, their fights when they think one side had cheated, their arguments about who should go first. But they were all a distant memory, never coming back.
Life went on. She took the UPCAT and the DOST Scholarship examinations. If it was pure luck, you could say she was really one lucky girl. She was able to pass both. She passed for the BS Forestry in UPLB, and the DOST Scholarship. How she was glad when she has learned that. Forestry has always been her dream. But, her broken heart shattered. As was her former case, her parents didn’t make her go. They told her, “Dito ka nalang mag-aral anak. Mahirap mamuhay roon.”
Without any choice, she was forced to study Electronics Engineering in one of the local universities in their place. At first, the bliss of being in college sipped through her. Thus she made good – at first. She should have been studying about the nature, when she was studying how to calculate angles and vectors. She would have held leaves and other greens, when all she held in her hands where calculators and formulas. She would have been out there in the open, appreciating God’s creations, when she’s locked up in a packed classroom, dusty and cold.
For a year, she tried to make good, but she just can’t. Her teachers were always telling them, that their course is a hard one, and that they should be there, if it really is their dream. She regretted being there, hearing those words squeezed her heart. Over the summer, she read posts from her high school classmates, how life is good for them. And she wondered, ‘Why can’t I feel that?’
She was cleaning up her room one day, when she saw a familiar envelope. It was the application form UP has sent her. She opened it up, and read things all over again. With a sigh, she kept the letter, remembering how happy she was when she heard the news. She was then in her friend’s house, when she received a text message from her father, ‘Nak, nakapasa ka sa UP, Forestry. Congrats.’ But it ended there. Her parents clearly had no intentions letting her go.
Many times she had cried about that. How she was just one step near her dream, and her parents dragged her back and made her start a new path. With difficulty, she trudged her way forward. Lots of times she stumbled, and crawled her way before she finds courage to stand up again. But from time to time, her original path calls out to her, and she just sits where she is, staring into nothingness, crying her eyes out.
Her interest in studying flunked, and she couldn’t contain the pain anymore. One day, she wrote a letter to her mom,
Mama:
I’m tired. I’m not happy. Why don’t you try and listen to me. Just once. I don’t wanna go out on my own someday doing what I don’t want. This is my last semester in eng’g. These are my final words on this issue. I will not continue on this course no more. I already had enough pain when I didn’t study in PSHS. You shouldn’t have let me take up those exams if you won’t allow me to go anyway. I’m old enough to decide for my own. I’m crying everytime because I wasn’t able to do what I really can.
Children have the right to decide what they want in life, because we are the one living it. Nasa amin yung opportunity na piliin yung gusto namin, pero kayo ang pumipili para sa amin. You’re not choosing what’s best for me, you’re choosing kung saan hindi ako malalayo sa inyo. Di nyo ba marealize na later in life, lalayo din ako sa inyo. That I will live my life on my own. Eh kung ngayong nasa college na ako, pinipili nyo pa ring nasa inyo ako, magdedepende ako sa inyo all my life. I don’t wanna be like that.
If on the first place you have allowed me to go to UPLB, you won’t have problems now. All my life, I followed what you want. I don’t even have a social life like my brother does because you have made me hold only books since I was a child. Kung gusto niyo naman talaga akong pag-aralin sa UPLB eh gagawan niyo ng paraan, pero sadyang ayaw niyo lang talaga. Bakit ko kailangang mag-sacrifice ng pangarap ko? Eh pwede ko namang abutin ngayon. Nag-iinvest kayo for my education, why don’t you take it dun sa siguradong magiging successful? Bakit kayo magsesettle dun sa napipilitan ako?
I’m a good student, alam niyo yun. Pero alam niyo kung bakit ako nagkaganito? Kasi naghinanakit ako na hindi niyo ako pinayagan mag-aral sa PSHS. Nawalan nako ng interes mama. Nung high school pa. Para saan pang nag-aaral ako eh hindi ko naman gusto yung inaaral ko? Alanganin na naman ulit yung scholarship ko mama, kasi hindi para sa akin yung kursong kinukuha ko. Bakit ba hindi niyo maintindihan yun? I may be contented at mind, but I’m not happy at heart.
Nasasakal na ako mama. Ayoko na. Ayokong humantong sa punto na maisipan kong magbigti. Ilang beses ko nang napag-isipan yan. And I better end my life rather than regret all my years when I’m too old to do anything.
Don’t talk to me about this when I get home. I won’t be speaking. Whether you do something or not about this, my decision is final, this would be my last semester here in Tuguegarao. If you don’t allow me to go to UPLB next year, it’s on your on grounds, that will be the end of the road for me.
With all my tears and pain,
*****
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After she read that, all I ever got was, “Bakit ka nagkakaganyan? Sinayang mo yung binigay ni God na chances sayo.”
And I retired to my room crying, I guess they could never understand me. Inside me waits a lost child, a child that never had the chance to grow up. A child who stopped playing with her toys. I’m a child who wishes to do what she wants, even for the last time. I made a promise to myself, that my child would not experience what I went through, that she can play with her toys until she grows up. All I was ever left with was my favorite doll, it was the only mark I have of my childhood. And every day, I cry, not only for my unlived youth, but for my shattered dreams.
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Ciao.