‘The Man’ is crying
In my bedroom at my new place, I was contemplating… About the changes that would soon take place. How I was going to tell ‘Pilot’ about everything. How I was going to deal living with another man that I did not really love. And how ‘Pilot’ was going to be with a yet another heartache if he really loved me deep enough.
I was peacefully settled in my bed one night. It was nearing Christmas. Parties were going on left and right. For some reasons, ‘Pilot’ and I were in our own homes that night.
My cellphone rang …
”Hello. Nasa’n ka?” tanong ni ‘Pilot’.
”Im just home” sagot ko.
I could hear on the other end that he was sniffling.
”Ano yan, umiiyak ka ba?” pag-usisa ko.
”Oo eh. His voice cracking. Awkward silence. Then sobs ... Kasi si name of his son ando’n sa party ng mommy nya eh. Hinahanap ako… bakit daw wala ako do’n…”
”Oh, eh bakit hindi mo sinamahan?” tanong ko.
*Honestly, hindi ko na alam kung pano tatapusin ang parte na ito. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang dahilan nya kung bakit hindi sya sumama kay name of his son.*
My point here is … he’s a crybaby. He cries over almost everything that touches his life in a very personal way. He cries over the dramatic portion of Wowowee; he cried witnessing an an old couple whose wife was trying to help the husband to go pee in the toilet, and made a brand new wheelchair materialize out of nowhere. His eyes well up over instances of families asking for coins to buy food. He cries over almost anything!
Who wouldn’t?
But in a machismo culture where only being stiff takes the limelight, a crybaby gets a lot of frowns.
This being said, it depicts the very first time that he shared a tear with me. It was one of the memorable moments that he let me witness himself in its most vulnerable state.
I wish I remembered his reason for staying home and not joining his son at the party. But what I’d just like to highlight here is that I was there to listen to his words in between sobs and tears. He was NEVER afraid to show it. That was good enough.
As tears were streaming down silently on my cheeks the whole time I was listening to him…
This was the first time we cried together. Nakaka-awa. Parang dinurog din ang puso ko dahil wala naman akong magawa. At sino ba naman ako para matunghayan ang pag-iyak ng isang insert full name and real profession here, diba?
I just remember telling him before we capped the night,
”Salamat, dahil umiyak ka sakin.”
At natitiyak kong malaking bagay yon.
Lumipas ang ilan pang araw, naging abala kami pareho sa kanya-kanya namin ginagawa dulot nga ng nalalapit na Kapaskuhan. Hindi ko pa rin mawaglit sa isipan ko kung pano sasabihin sa kanya ang nakatakda kong pagpapakasal sa ibang lalaki.
Spilling the beans
Sa hindi ko piniling pagkakataon, napilitan akong ipatapat sa kanya isang gabi nang magkausap kaming muli sa telepono. Hindi ko na maalala kung pano ang naging simula ng diskusyon, pero palagi naman muna syang nangungumusta.
Hanggang hindi ko na napigilan kimkimin, kaya:
”His full name , hindi na tayo pwede eh” nangangatal ang boses at pigil pag-iyak kong sinabi.
”Hah?! Bakit???” pabigla nyang tugon.
At tuluyan na akong napahagulgol…
”Pinagkasundo na ako ng magulang ko sa ibang lalaki. Ikakasal ako sa kanya.”
Mga ilan minutong katahimikan.
”Kelan pa ‘to?” tanong nya.
”Mga ilan buwan ko na rin nalaman. Napilitan akong pumayag kasi hindi ko naman nakikita na may plano ka…” paliwanag ko.
At muli hindi sya agad sumasagot. Hanggang sa …
”Hindi mo naman sa akin sinabi agad. Para natulungan kita. Para nailigtas kita…”
”Sorry, wala na din akong nagawa” tangi kong nasambit.
”Oh, eh pa’no tayo nyan, ako tuloy ang magiging kabit mo? Kasi sa iba ka pakakasal eh!”
”Sorry, hindi ko alam. Gulong-gulo ako ngayon” ang huli kong binigkas.
Mahirap nang alalahanin pa kung pano natapos ang aming pag-uusap.
Napakasaklap ng gabing iyon. Hindi ko maubos-maisip kung ano ang naging pakiramdam nya sa napakasamang balita.
Dinala na lamang ako sa pagtulog ng matindi kong pag-iyak. Sising-sisi ako sa kinasadlakan ko. Awang-awa ako sa kanya, at sobra ang galit ko sa aking mga magulang.
Higit sa lahat, kinamumuhian ko ang aking sarili.
The days and the weeks have passed. The Yuletide came and went.
Then, I got married.
We spent our honeymoon abroad. I was gone for a good period of time
… but my heart was left here in the country.
Si ‘Pilot’ ang iniisip ko. Sinasamo ko sa Diyos na pag-ingatan sya at sana dumating ang araw na maintindihan nya ang nangyari sa akin.
Dahil sa propesyon ng naging kabiyak ko na hindi manatili sa isang bansa sa mahabang panahon, kailangan niyang lumisan agad pagkatapos ng Holidays upang bumalik sa trabaho nya.
Mas marami pang pagkakataon na wala akong asawa kaysa sa naging magkasama kami. Namuhay ako na para pa rin dalaga, wala pa kaming anak hanggang sa panahon na sinusulat ito ay wala akong anak — yun nga lang, palagi nang may nang-uusisa ng aking ginagawa. Tinatanong kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.
Higit sa lahat, nanatili ako sa bansa kung saan ay nandon pa rin si ‘Pilot’. Ang tao na sya pa rin nag mamay-ari ng aking puso.
Itutuloy…
Last of 2 parts.