*PILOT is not necessarily his profession. It is just a moniker.
Link to all of my entries (arranged from last to first) http://pinoyliterotica.com/author/bighearted/
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Hello guys! Thank you for clicking on this entry. Some of you may not remember me anymore, as it has already been almost half a year since I last wrote here. But for those who still remember, here I am, to update you why I have not been writing as much.
A lot has happened. In the course of five months that you’ve not read or heard from me here, I could have written twice the number of what i already have. But with the presence of work, I had to put some things aside for a while.
The title for this final episode may already give you an idea on what I am going to talk about this time.
Yes, broadcaster and I are over.
Everything was put an end six weeks ago — upon my confirmation that there was another woman, who was both surprised and accommodating enough to confirm to me that something was going on.
Prepaid Load, iPad 2, Camfrog
A couple of months before the dreaded June 27, the date when we last heard from each other, things were fine. Not the slightest idea that it would soon turn sour. He was in the States for almost a month to visit his mother, as well as to watch the boxer’s fight in May. We would chat many times everyday while he was there, long hours each time that made me feel I was just everything that he needed. He would ask me to buy him prepaid load for his roaming number, and I would gladly do every couple of days so we could keep communicating.
Another one was the iPad 2 he was asking for, since his radio partner had been bugging him to sign up for a Twitter account so he could easily interact with their listeners. He said he was not going to buy in the States anymore (where he was at the time) since with the money he would use he would just buy the ”pasalubong” for me. And even said, ”hope next time I’m home (my place) the Ipad 2 is already under my pillow, baby!” I had silently agreed to buy it. Just didn’t mention that it was waiting as a gift for the Father’s Day in June. But a few days after he was back on the program, he was already announcing his Twitter ID that he set up with the new iPad2, which, according to him, was from somebody else — these that I actually found cheap to do for someone who was actually making good money in more ways than one. But you know, the norms that any normal lovers would do for each other.
Some other sacrifices have been made: waking up in the wee hours when he wanted me to ”show” myself on webcam, or Camfrog, and so he could relieve himself from ‘heat’. There have also been countless encounters at where I live when he would spend the night there usually in the weekend to make love, (if not in the weeknight when there’s a party or a meeting near my place); and another chance to make love in the early morning; after which he goes back to sleep while I make breakfast for the two of us, then I wake him up to have breakfast together.
We could be likened to a married couple. I was happy to do things for him, and I am positive that somehow, he appreciated the care, and so much more.
My eyes begin to well up as I continue to write this.
It still pains me to have to remember just so I can come up with a clear story.
I reread some of the entries that I wrote before, and then I decided to make this one. And believe me, it was hard being transported back to the days when you were both very happy, while being reminded at the back of your mind that things are different now. So I discontinued reading.
Sad and Sour
He had so wanted to have his fantasies fulfilled. I remember him nudging me to contact a Karen, also an author here, for threesome invitation; and those girls from my workplace that I spent a few days with on an out-of-town trip during the Holy Week this year, also for threesome. I wasn’t able to make any of it materialize; therefore, his disappointment over these things.
I cannot quite distinguish what else happened, other than what I know and found out. Like I said, things just went sour — from his end– in the last week of May through the first few weeks of June. Though we were last together on May 25 at my place, I had already felt that that would be the last time. And I was right, that was the last time. He left me a box of my favorite chocolates from L.A., a light kiss on my lips before he went out the door for his early morning news program.
He would still see me online and we would still talk. But it was very obvious that something had changed. There was hardly any warmth anymore. I just did not ask him what it was, for I could always find out if I wanted to. One time he said that he was always at the NBI office to update about his complaint on someone who scattered his nude pictures on the Internet. (Really? NBI office? Or times spent with HER?) That he was worried for his life. About losing his job. How he would support his son, and so on.
But it was screaming in my head to brace up. He would always say of what could be a ”closing statement”.
And now, I clearly see the DRAMA.
The Final Weeks
When I told him I was going to South Pacific for a week, he asked if I was going to look for someone to marry there. I thought to myself: you don’t tell that to your girl friend — if I still was the girlfriend. Then he said when I come back, we will talk. It’s very rare that he even had to prepare me for a talk, since he could just tell me anything anytime. Though I still updated him like normal, his replies were at treble price, almost not wanting to respond at all. Deja vu for the nth time.
So I cut short my trip and went home. I texted him as soon as I was back and was badly fighting the jet lag, but I did not get a reply anymore.
Which has now strengthened the thought that, “Yes, we need to talk”.
Girls and Women
So I did the normal things just to get it out of my mind. It was both tough to fight the jet lag and to ignore the annoyance of missing someone at the same time. Believe me, it was HARD. Plus the disheartening feeling that he could again be with a new girl — for the third time — and just leave me and forget about me again in a snap. As he had already dated a seventeen years old OJT trainee from PLM in 2008 and who’s now with TV5, that when asked about Sugar, he said that she was a SPECIAL CHILD who always wanted to be greeted on air so that it would make her happy. Even insulted me with,
”May sakit ka ba? Patingin ka sa doktor! Masyado kang PRANING! Wala kang awa do’n sa bata!”
But NO. According to the girl’s statement,
‘‘He handed me the (radio station) pillow when I was able to answer the question during their team’s visit to our university. He got my number and started bugging me from then on. He always makes sure I am OK whenever we’re together.’‘
Of which, after countless denials that he had courted her and took her out on a number of dates, he finally admitted to exactly 2 YEARS after they first went out.
… and another graduating UST college student in 2009, also an OJT, (that when confronted about Jheng, he made an alibi that it was actually C.P. (one of the station’s Executive Producers if I’m not mistaken) that was hitting on her, and Jheng only came up to him to seek his ”protection”, so that he would always be with her, and she with him wherever they went: drinking sessions, bowling games at a mall, even to dinner at the house of his female radio partner:
”Ganito yan, si Jheng, mataba. OJT noon sa (radio station). Sabi nya, ‘Sir, si Chariez tinatanong ako. Sa’n daw ako nakatira. Anong oras daw ako umuuwi.’ Ganito yan, baby… Kaya sabi ko, ‘Oh sige, dito ka lang sa tabi ko. Hindi ka maaano.’ Alam mo naman si Chariez, he’s ugly. Kaya lagi namin yan kasama sa inuman, sa inuman sumasama yon si Jheng. Sa bowling kasama namin sya. Pag nagsalita yo’n, pag pumalag yon, tapos ang trabaho ko! Naintindihan mo, baby? Hindi ako yo’n nandadamba! Pinapabayaan lang kita sa bintang mo eh. Kako ‘Sige, magsalita ka lang. Ako ang magsasalita pagkatapos.’ Naintindihan mo? Mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ka madaling lokohin, takot ako sa’yo. Kaya umabot tayo ng ganito katagal…’ ”
From the girl’s side,
”We first met at a birthday party. Yun fear ko for sir C.P. was just… how do you say it, enforced by him (broadcaster) lang talaga. Sir C.P. was just really being nice to me.
We were drinking, and it’s when he started hitting on me. I just came from a breakup then, and he swooped in like saving-the-damsel-in-distress guy. He always gave me money and asked me to have sex with him. I tried not to accept it, but he would always raise his voice and shout at me if I didn’t accept it. He gave me a few thousand pesos each time. Don’t worry, walang nangyari sa amin. Hindi ko sya pinatulan, that I can assure you.
We went out a few times. It was just like going out with a friend, but different. I never held hands with him in public.
One time when he was in the States to watch Pacquiao, he sent me Php10,000 thru Western Union. But when I got mobbed and lost the phone he gave, he got SO furious at me and it started his distaste. He badmouthed me on his Facebook account. He played me. Sure, I played him, too. I was just accepting the money that he gave in exchange for what he was asking me to do. ”
This, he also admitted ALMOST TWO YEARS after I first asked him about her. His excuse for courting Jheng, ”Mabait. Na-attract ako. I was lonely then.” His reason for badmouthing her on his Facebook account, ”…because I got SO mad. PINERAHAN NYA LANG AKO. She always went after my money, always asked for money.”
To which, the said girl just laughed off;
… and another married woman from Valenzuela bullying me on Facebook (Im just not gonna mention how it was, for she’s presently pregnant), plus another texter to his radio program who expressed ”Im still in love with you“ on his very birthday, from Bulacan, both in 2010. And much closer to finding out about the new girl, one young and pretty Camfrog user from San Rafael, Bulacan was also gracious enough to confess to me that Wilsonball (his ID on Camfrog, among MANY others) had courted her in March. With the same propaganda of telling the women that he’s alone in life and is looking for someone to spend it with.
Another one that he greeted on air around the Holy Week of this current year, saying:
”Drive safely, baby.” That couldn’t be ME. I was home that day when my ears caught it. And it was raining really hard around the Metro so I just stayed in. For all I know, this could already be the now new girl…
I am sure there are a lot more. All within the times that I was made to believe I was THE girlfriend.
”I will take care of you. I will marry you. Kahit buhay ko ibibigay ko sa’yo. Mahal na mahal kita. Tinuruan mo akong magpakumbaba. Tinuruan mo akong magmaka-awa.” Does this sound familiar to you, ladies?
The New Girl
Now looms another girl’s name: a married woman with a son. My intuition served me right again. As he had added her in his YM list in January and have been chatting hence. Whenever we would have an argument, he always threatened to leave me for this “much kinder” and “understanding” person that he had met. Nothing surprises me anymore:
FOR KNOWING HIM BY CHARACTER, he always goes for the unsuspecting target that will only believe him, not find out about how he is behind the person’s back, and not read between the lines of what he says. I have observed a lot of inconsistencies just by listening to him alone.
So I got hold of this new girl, I told her about broadcaster and me, what has been going on between us in the past several weeks, and how I was considering it that she was the reason for all his changes. I initiated on a Sunday afternoon because the night before that, broadcaster was bombarding my cellphone with calls and sms forcing me to go online on Camfrog again. As if it were not enough, he also filled my home answering machine with his voice mails ordering me to do the same thing!
No, I didn’t pick a fight with the girl. We are both educated women to choose the better side of getting our messages across. But the two of them had a fight the same morning, clearly indicating that the girl had been fooled from the very beginning. Was made to believe he DID NOT have a girl friend, and so on.
”Oh, I didn’t know he had a girl friend. Yes, we had a fight. I told him to think first before making a decision…” said Geni.
As I go deeper into my thoughts, they actually have a number of things in common: they’re both firstborns, they both have a son for an only child, both are from failed marriages, they both love to travel just that the girl has much less means to support it. Whereas he himself cannot go to the States regularly if not for the FREE airfares and tickets to the Boxer’s fight being a media person.
He sent me his last messages thru YM, asking me that I let go of him, blah blah… That I should just let him be happy. Thanking me for the long time that I spent with and on him, that they’ve just had a fight and maybe I was already happy about it. That he was already having a very hard time. (Or a hard-on?!)
Everything hurt. I could not believe my eyes, more so, that such a message was for me.
Now the flurry of questions came. Too many unanswered questions…
Akala ko ba walang gaguhan? Akala ko ba walang iwanan? Now I ask myself this.
Against what he had always said only shortly before all these mess came about:
‘’Maghihiwalay pa ba tayo sa lagay na ‘to? Malalim na ang punla natin. Sana nga ikaw na lang ang pinakasalan ko eh. Huli na nang nakilala kita. I may not be the first, but I want to be the last…
”Nag-iisip na’ko eh. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganito. Salbahe ka. Pinaibig mo ako. Never ko ‘to naramdaman noon. Kahit kay Gina? Never. Gusto ko, sa mga huling sandali ko, ikaw ang nasa tabi ko. Ikaw, at si Miguel. Kayong dalawa. Hindi ako nagdra-drama. You know what I’m doing now? Im crying. Im crying because I love you. I dont wanna lose you… ”
In the afternoon of the tenth of June, of the present year, while still exchanging messages but already in the lukewarm state, he was unbelievably different. It was the birthday of his closest male co-broadcaster. As communicated through Skype:
” Pinapakumusta ka ni A.S. (initials of the celebrant). Birthday nya ngayon eh. I’m so glad we’re ok, baby. I’m so happy. Tsup… tsup…”
So, this made me think that there wasn’t really any problem at all. That maybe I spoke too soon. He was all jubilant and giddy on air while working; we were still exchanging SMS, YM chats and Skype messages during the program. They were even talking about the fake goods selling like hot cakes in Greenhills and Divisoria that day. And how Facebook and Twitter and all these latest Social Networking sites make a lot of infidels, that thus break a lot of relationships nowadays.
Not too long after that day, he mentioned on his radio program IN THE SAME AFTERNOON WHILE HE WAS CHATTING WITH ME ON SKYPE:
“magkasama na nga tayo, text ka pa nang text!”
That’s when it got on my nerves!
For I knew then that I was not the one he was talking about and conveying that “parinig” message to! And he greeted an aunt and her nephew — who happen to be the sister and the son of the new woman — which is another blaring clue that I had already known ahead of time!
So it’s all been made clear now that yes, there is someone else — AGAIN. And this time, I surrender.
Ten days into the besmirching heartache I decided to buy a ticket and go somewhere, just so I could forget about what had transpired even for a couple of weeks. I came back to the Philippines few days before his 53rd birthday, and realized that it was a bad decision. I should’ve just stayed away. Longer.
Would-be 8th Year
It’s now August. It would have marked our 8th year.
- Eight years with NO formal dates, and NO pictures of us together. There was one that I took way back in college from my camera phone, but he got so furious that he told me to delete it.
- Not even just to dine out.
- Never even met the son in person.
- Never got invited back to his house after its renovation in 2006/2007.
… among many others.
The only time we went together to a public place was to buy his undergarments in a mall in September 2010. And that’s it. Funny when I asked him the reason why he wouldn’t take me out on a date was: “the time and the distance, baby”. Oh really? Because last time I checked, where I lived was around 30mts from both where he works and where he lives!
Its still reverberating in my head that I was just really the ”parausan” for such a long time. Not quite a nice thing to hear from an equally attractive girl. Even an ex-fling is surprised why he never took me out on a date, whereas for sure, a lot of other younger guys are dying to be with me.
And to you, Victor, I have witnessed you grow old, just as how you’ve seen me turn from an innocent college student to a knowledgeable young woman. Your physical pains from the first day I met you were much less, if not none, than the recent months when your age has begun to take its toll on you. But you are the greatest mind conditioner and the most natural liar I know.
You romance, eat and breathe paranoia all the time, thus, you hurl all the harshest words at people who deserve them the least. Including people who genuinely love you.
Refrain from being arrogant, and stop being irrelevant. You are cunning and scheming.
While you’re being those things, you are a great father. You are loving, thoughtful, endearing and sweet. Even the times when we brought out the worst in each other, you had more patience and understanding for me than I had for you. I hope you will learn to plant your roots, and not just leave someone the very moment you find somebody new. Because quite frankly, the way I see things with you is your life ends the moment you stop getting a BONER.
I am sorry that your fantasies have not been fulfilled with me. I hope you find the liberated kind soon. Forgive me for the many times I failed you. For all the cusses that had weakened your knees, dropped your shoulders, and lost your appetite each time we had a fight. All spoken by someone who once claimed to have the highest reverence for you.
But thank you for such a long time. You can deny this ALL YOU WANT — nothing is new about that. ”Just deny everything.” You taught me that in the early years of the relationship, remember? But too bad I know you very well, TOO DAMN WELL.
AND TO YOU NEW GIRL,
Good luck and be strong. But mark my words: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THE LAST.
So, that’s my story, as far as I can remember. I shall update this when I get reminded of more.
Thank you for taking the time to finish reading, even if this has gone quite lengthy.
And I’m sorry about the sad ending.