a melody jilted me out of my sleep tonight. I cant sleep without any music, so usually I take out my cell phone, plug it in and let all the song blaze to hell and slumber knocks. now im awake because of this habit.
im a big fan of the 90s, having a collection of skidrow, gin blossoms, googoo dolls, mr. big, stone temple pilots, nirvana, foo fighters and the verve pipe albums. im proud of this period in my life, where, for me, true music came to be. but there was one song in particular that stirred me, even in my drunken stupor.
woke up to the sound of pouring rain,
The wind would whisper and I’d think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
i paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me
Remember yesterday – walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand – I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say – I remember you
drunk as I am for the past days, it never fails to wake me with tears. I numb myself to sleep, try to keep me from wishing you were here, thinking everything’s fine. but why? why, even in sleep, am I seeing myself with you, having the life I had longed for, the family I had dreamed of.
I wake each day with the hope that you are by my side, and each day I find myself alone, and these tears never fail. I laugh, make jokes and get along well with others. force myself to live on the way I did before I met you.l, but these days seem to be so empty, so void of life.
do you know that I cry myself to sleep these days? that I wish myself away, to the time before i came to know that blank in my heart? that I think of how you are with your life and knowing that I can never be part of it anymore? that I wish I should have taken you away that day, on your wedding day? but these thoughts doesnt matter, because try as we might, we cannot live on wishing. our lives have taken us to where we should be. and that thought pains me the most.
my recent posts talked about hope, about being strong, about that love beyond the horizon. but why cant I feel that hope, that love I wrote about? why, when all else fails, am I still waiting for you, when I know that it will never be?
people say that when we die, we feel nothing. no pain, no pleasure. I have died everyday since you left me, and am dying still. now I know that death isnt just a one stop junction to the other life. death is perpetual, and we can never live again.
and tears still come everyday.