Surely when it rains the whole heavens are like opening up it’s guilt and sins and things that doesn’t really belong to the skies…
For days and days it rained without stopping, I got out of the car and hurried myself to a familiar RED door unlocking it with my familiar bronze key. Red, the color of sin how appropriate.
I haven’t been at this place for nearly 3 weeks and a lot has happened…
Rob, my perfect husband has left me…
He has found out about the affair and ‘that’s not surprising at all, I’m never good at keeping secrets…I was doomed to get caught from the start.
I’m badly broken, my heart shattered in pieces that I could never put back, it pained me beyond words that the man I knew all my life is becoming a stranger to me and I could not stop this from happening.
I went through the door, took off my jacket and dropped the big box I was carrying to the floor, the room is dim and calm, unlike how I used to know it. I walked towards the bedroom, forced not to feel anything but my purpose of carrying out all the things that could remind HIM of me. I shouldn’t exist in this place…ever.
My life for the past few weeks is just a fleeting memory of the good times, I’m now a walking dead person with a bruised spirit and ridiculed convictions.
My hands were cold and my feet are too afraid to walk me into this, a lot of memories are flooding in as I could smell his scent all over the room… Jeremy, my dear Jeremy. I heaved a sigh and tried to move as quick as possible. Being quick is unemotional, being quick is going to get things done without being sentimental… so I tried to do just that.
I opened the closet that he purposely set up for me back in the days when everything was a happy game. A tall, dark wood, double door closet that has ornate antique handles, I opened it slow and the whole “familiar” word that describes everything in Jeremy’s room has gotten the best out of me. My heart is heavy with Nostalgia.
My hands felt for my things, I have a lot of things in this closet… I’m surprised that I could basically LIVE here. I have hairbrush, toothbrush, couple of shirts and shorts and sleeping things. I have stuffed toys, and oh my god! I have toys that aren’t really for kids… I gently had to pull them out and place them in the box. My things were soaked up in the scent of Jeremy’s cologne and it’s intoxicating. I loved his smell… dear god, help me to get through this.
WE have pictures together posted at the back end of the closet, pictures of us laughing, his face and my face looking sincerely fun… pictures of us dreamily looking into each other’s eyes… My love of photography has captured many “secret” messages behind the photographs itself and I knew them all.
My hands had felt the pictures ripping off the wall and placed them carefully in the box among the cups and pens that I was collecting in each place we go to. OH dear lord, this is getting pretty much intense….
Far at the very corner of the closet is a BLUE jar …
It isn’t mine… I do not remember having this jar.
I reached out for it and the glass jar had shone shades of blue color as I took it into the light…hmmnn… it has yellow handmade paper stars, inside 
… cute ….
“It’s for every time I was with you…”
My heart sank …fuck.
I nearly dropped the jar …
Jeremy…
With his hair unruly, still in his fitness first gym trainers uniform, a little wet from the rain, I could see the rush he took in his face… he must’ve dropped everything to come here…
“how…how did you know I was here?”
“Mia… she was at the gym…”
For a while I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I have lost sense of everything…
I tipped the bottle over and the stars started to rearrange itself… there are tiny PINK handmade paper stars in the jar…
“it’s for every time we….” he gave an awry smile, but his eyes, those eyes that are always with fire and piercing had looked through me in the soul and I couldn’t move away. “…made love”
I tried to calm myself … I cant seem to process this moment right now…
This guy from the moment I first met him, I didnt know he’d be someone so special in my life, I didn’t know that all the things I knew about myself and the world I was moving in will change all because of him …
This person right in front of me, was the RISK I had taken, he was the one person I had taken all the GUILT and TROUBLES for, all the BLAME and FAULTS for, and what’s worse?…he is the very reason I sold my SOUL for…
My eyes were becoming warm and I know tears will eventually fall and I’d be so vulnerable again to him.
I carefully placed the jar back to its shelf … this moment is gonna be harder than I thought … why did he have to show up???
I know his eyes are still there, fixed on me and I know he isn’t going anywhere with those eyes but to meet mine and the energy that is coming from the door is going to suck me in like I’m no object of reason.
With my hands on both sides of my waist and my eyes on the floor… I was busy deliberating my thoughts and holding back the tears… I cannot make sense of it all…. fuck. stupid.
“Katy…” he began.
I slowly lifted my head and saw that the force coming from his eyes weren’t threatening at all… they were full of pain, anguish and frustration…
I can’t look.
The paper stars he made weren’t just for keepsake, it was for every “feeling”, every “thought”, every “moment” we could NEVER hold on to…
His eyes loved me and his eyes cannot keep me in his sight no matter how he wanted, His eyes reflected his pain of losing me over and over again each time I have to say goodbye and not knowing if I’ll ever be back.
Those pains were resonating towards me…
and I felt so little in his LOVE.
My chest feels heavy again … god I loved this man so much that I will give up everything that I ever knew for him.
I shook my head. Tears are going to fall…
Fuck Jeremy…
Like on cue in a movie scene, I took two strides and dashed up to him, he scooped me up into his arms the moment he caught me from the door and pressed me against the wall…his dark blue uniform was slightly wet from the rain that my shirt began clinging to my breasts…
My arms folded around his neck, it was cold…he breathed heavy and took my mouth whole, dipping his tongue, tasting it sweet and familiar. Tears came running loosely from my eyes…. Jeremy. The hurt is too much to bear, my whole body is tingling with rush and hesitation altogether…I dont know what to feel with my heart pounding against my chest, and my brain calling me STUPID.
“Jeremy…”
My throat is dry, my face all red…I cannot do this.
The kissing went all the more intense the whole room seemed closing in warming up our bodies.
“Katy, I wont let you go...” kissing me so hard ” naririnig mo ba ko? …I will never let you go” His left hand holding the side of my face, kissing away my tears. I nodded furiously … never let me go…
I hugged him around the shoulders, not wanting to let go for real.
The whole world melted around us … there is no one but US in our naked selves…we are one in pure passion when he took me in his arms with his manly form and my fragile self is cowering in his hopeless promises.
He swept me from my feet and lowered me to his bed, the very bed that started all my wicked delusions, he thrusts in my depths with a sense of pride in his conquest. I am here, I loved him and I left my life for him.
His hands very wrong from the beginning of this whole affair is touching my skin all over, up to the breasts and taking them to his mouth, he was hungry to have sucked the tips hard that I flinched…mmp…careful. He teased it with his tongue and brushed his whole mouth against the formidable lumps in his hands while he continues to make love with his sex, coming into me deep and relieving me shallow.
The moment was with warmth and love and fake freedom…but it was good
I was orgasmic in every sense of the word…
He held me tight through the night with unspoken fear of losing me in between dark and light.
“This is the man I love and his name is Jeremy, if the whole sense of being in truth is to live in vain for the vows I made with another man then I shall not come loose off these arms and redeem myself to the world.”
===
“tired?” his eyes were smiling…
“yeah.” I smiled weakly.
He kissed my cheek.
On his bed I lie on the side of my face over his soft white pillows, my bare back is exposed to the now emerging sun from the window…
His hand touched my back…
“it’s all red, I’m sorry…” his palm felt good rubbing my back.
“no you’re not…” I half smiled closing my eyes…
“I can see patterns of the blanket on your back… it’s pretty good…there’s diamond, squares…” his finger tracing thread lines on my back…giggling like a boy.
I snorted a laugh …
“meow…meowww…”
My head snapped from the pillows…
“a cat!”
“There, there …come here Katy…” Jeremy walked to the door and picked up a tubby orange-brown kitty.
I excitedly turned and sat right up, pulled the sheets over my body and gestured for Jeremy to come closer.
“you got a cat?” I beamed…
Jeremy walked close, stroking the kitty’s head and sat beside me.
“you wanna hold her?”
I held out my arms…”yeah!” My smiles are showing teeth…
“Katy meet Katy”
My lips twisted…”you named her Katy?”
“I … I was missing you so…” Jeremy scratched his head, he looks so hot in a gray sweater and white boxer shorts
“Katy Purry” haha … the tag on the cat’s collar said “Katy Purry” it’s like Katy Perry.
I was genuinely laughing.
3 days later…
MY THINGS finally made it to my car, with our eyes holding on to each other from the door…I was going to feel pain in inexplicable manner, much more than what I expected in saying goodbyes.
“salamat at minahal ako ng isang Katy…” His voice sounding like a distant echo I could not process again, fuck there is something wrong with my brain…
My lips twisting….”I will never stop loving you and you know that…”
His head nodded, we both know that this is sincere and this is TRUE, that I had fallen inlove with a man I cannot be with and he has fallen inlove with a woman he cannot keep …
“goodbye Jeremy…”
I stepped to hug him tight and we hugged for what seemed like eternity…
From all these, each one of us has failed miserably.
I lost my love, Jeremy lost his love and Rob lost his love.
===
3 more weeks later…
I was coming down from our white walled, fancy interior-ed house…
There is a man in his black – tailored shirt folded to the arms, sitting still in one of the couches… traveling bags on the floor and airport security tags said BOSTON…he went to Boston, my faithful Rob.
And from there, we BEGAN.
===the end===
“All is fair in LOVE and in WAR.”