Confessions of a Broken Man
“its been a while since we last talked, but its nice to have you here with me right now,” I said to my friend. “i know you might think this is stupid, but please hear me out.”
I sat up straight, grabbed a cigarette, lit it and took a few drags. after a few moments I crushed the butt into an ashtray and went back to talking.
“do you remember the first time we met? I mean, it wasnt sweet or anything, not even what youd call special, but for me it was a good day. I wasnt supposed to be there at the christening in the first place. my fool of a cousin up and dragged me out of bed and shoved me in a cab, and whoosh! thats that. so there I was sitting in a corner, not knowing even half of the people I was with. I remember you were sitting across me on the table and was having this animated conversation with the guy sitting beside you, even, I guess, filrting with him a bit. so I just sat there eating and drinking, thinking of leaving as soon as an opportunity presents itself and not noticing anyone around me.
“after about an hour I saw a chance for me to leave, so I stood up, said my goodbyes to my cousin and the crowd, and walked away from the table almost immediately. that was when I really heard your voice calling my name, and it stopped me dead on my feet. so I spun around, looked at the hand you held out to grab my arm and raised my eyes to look at you, really look at you, for the first time. man I was in for a shock. you werent the most beautiful woman I saw, but by God you were the most intriguing.
“intrguing, you might ask. how should I put it? what I saw was contrast of compliments, a flair that was yours alone. your eyes were bright, gleaming curiosity and wonder, at the same time hinting of a deep reservior of emotions hidden underneath that glimmer. a smile that went along that depth, saying that you know of things beyond your years yet at the same time giving off an innocence that says I have much to learn. and then there was you voice. it gave breath to thoughts within thoughts and enlivened them, giving them a glow of life and casting them unto me.
“sounds crazy right? I dont know. but that moment there pivoted me from where I was at a standstill in my dreary existence and changed it to life full of promise of things yet to come. needless to say, I was drawn to that promise, drawn to you. so with a gentle tug at my arm you guided me back and sat me beside you. we talked about things that were of interest to both of us and of random snippets of topics which we quite forgot after a few moments. to me they didnt matter. I had you to look at.
“after about half past 3 in the morning we stopped to notice we were alone at the table. we were talking for almost 8 hours. it didnt seem like it was that long, but it was late, so I reluctantly offered to take you home, to which you agreed to with a hint of hesitation as well. so I stood up and offered my arm, and escorted you out the hall. was it just me, or were you leaning on me at that time? whichever it was, it made my heart jump. me, who swore not to flet anyone who has the potential to burn and leave my heart at the stake, felt light headed with just a simple contact? I brushed the thought aside and guided you outside, hailed a cab and sped of to your place.
“i dropped you off, and before you left you handed me a piece of card saying you had a wonderful evening. shit there was that smile again. you turned and ran up to you place, leaving me staring at your back. when you had entered the door I told the driver my address and we sped off in that direction. I remembered te card you gave me and so held it up and lo! my heart flipped to every direction you can think of. it had your name and your number.
“so I paid the cab and got off quite a few blocks from my place and walked the rest of the way. it was a gold night for walking, i thought. I thought about you, what we talked about, but more importantly you. my head was still wth with thoughts of you up until I reached my place, got in bed, slept and woks up the next morning. it was a beautifal day, and I couldnt contain myself and wait to give you a call. after breakfast and a shower I couldnt help it anymore. I grabbed the card, pikced up the phone and dialed your number. it rang. and rang. and rang. after about a few more rings I was about to hang it, thinking maybe you werent really interested, when I heard a click and after it came a voice that said, hey hello sorry I was downstairs, who is this? I introduced myself and was ecstatic when I heard your reaction. so we chated for hours again over the phone, talking about anything amd everything, even arguing a bt about things we didnt agreed on.
“we went on like this for some weeks, even going out once in a while, hanging out with friends or just us two, watching a movie, walking by some park, even going to the beach. all this while my feelings grew stronger and stronger. at some point we started gping out just by ourselves, not even telling our friends about these excursions. we started to get more intimate with each other, at first just sharing sweet fleeting kisses, until they deeper along with my feelings. we spent more time with each other, and even with other peers stealing kisses here and there. we both knew where ths was leading, and we both were trying to keep it as far from that moment as possible.
“so we started giving ourselves limitations, setting up grounds for this and that situation, but it was inevitable. our first night making love was the most sweet and fulfilling day of my life, as was every night that came after it. those nights were full of joy and exultation, as it was spent with the person I hold dear to my heart. the woman I love, and will go on loving as long as this vessel wakes, and even after it casts off towards that land of endless day. ”
I paused, as tears were starting to blind my eyes, but I didnt try to wipe them off my cheeks.
“Ive been holdng them back for all this while, all this time that we were apart for the longest time since that day. but I guess they have a mnd of their own, these eyes and heart of mine. these tears are filled with the words I failed to say to you those days and nights together, the words ive kept locked for ever so long in my heart for fear of never finding the right one to give them to. I knew the moment you called my name that day at the christening that I have found the one, the one I could share this burden of an existence with and urge me to go on and live, live a life that is not with regret or fear or hesitation and of empty words or bonds or relationships, but a live full of vibrance and life and love. a life of fulfilment, shared not just with you, but with everyone whose lives we have touched and cherish.
“with these tears are my thoughts, my wishes, and my dream of that life, with you, and with everyone around us that love and care for us.
“these are the reasons that I am now facing you, after a month of absence, to say the words my whole being has been shouting ever since the day I was born, the day I met you. be happy with your life, and continue on living, for me, for us and for everyone we have, and live the life that you have shown me, without regrets and fears, the life you have shared with me. do not cry for me, for though this body has given up its hold on that life, know that my heart is rejoicing, exulting with its every beat, with its every moment of life. it Is saying that I will be with you forever, and will be waiting at the land of the blessed where we can be together until all fails. until that day, I will be waiting for you.
“I Love You Natasha Fiona Dima, my friend, my love, my princess, my life.”
I look up, and I see a face full of anguish and pity, but also filled with care and affection. He was holding the camera, and is now setting it aside.
“Thank you, doctor, for this and for everything. Now I am ready….”