This is a ‘no-boner’ story.. (got that term from the guys here in PL). I just want to chronicle my life here and be able to share it with you…hoping somehow somebody might learn something. I have been keeping a separate blog, but I thought it could be worth sharing it here. This is my life..a continuation of my previous posts here. If you think I’m too melodramatic for this site, just tell me and I’ll stop here.
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Autumn..it marks the transition from summer to winter, from warm to cold weather. Oftentimes associated with melancholy, but bears fruitfulness, too.
Few weeks after I arrived from my holiday, I found myself plunging in to the pit of depression. I was in love with a man that I know I’ll never have, the realization that I might forever carry the burden was so unthinkable. The short but happy times we’ve shared were not enough.. I wanted more, but the more that I want, the more desperate I became.
Jeff came into the autumn of my life. Just as when I thought everything in me was shaterred, he came unannounced, at the right time. He became my confidante, an instant ally against the angst of this world. I shared my story with him, the only person now who probably know me inside out.
He is also a charmer, of course. Between the kind words were the leering looks, amidst the assuring whispers was the longing to take control. He never tried to hide the desire to have me. He knew my heart is somewhere else, and he respected that. The physical longing for one man almost made me give in to another. I knew right away that I am cursed.
Just a few weeks ago we were sitting at a worn-out bench just outside my workplace. The autumn breeze was refreshing, the colours of the leaves mesmerizing, the rustle of the falling leaves as they touch the ground was something to behold. And so was the man beside me. It was the day when he professed his feelings for me.
“I know it’s too soon, perhaps too inapropriate. But I am this close to loving you. And the more that I’m near you, the more that I want you.”
He looked so perfect, I studied his face with the hope of finding something that would make me love him in return. He held my hand very tight as if afraid I’ll slip away. I tried to find the right words, but there came none.
It was already near twilight, the road across us was a tapestry of lights. Jeff was wearing a dark pair of trousers and light-colored jacket. He smelled so good beside me, burnt wood and musk. I felt comfortable and safe. Here is a man who is so right for me, whom I know will be there for me. Why do I keep on thinking of another man? I need to stop this stupidity at once.
Suddenly he kissed me, very gently, very passionately. I kissed him back. There was warmth in that kiss, I felt some passion, a small surge of lust into my being.
I remained very quiet, not uttering a single word. He held me tight, afraid that I could just disappear from him anytime. Everything felt so right, the kiss, the man, everything. We stared across the street watching the kaleidoscope of lights swirl around us. It was getting chilly. He hugged me even more tight.
“I just want to make you happy.” he whispered as he planted soft kisses on my forehead. “And I’ll always be here for you.”
My phone bleeped and I tried to ignore it. Then it bleeped again it was impossible to sit still.
“Is it him?”
“Uhm..” was all I could utter.
“It’s fine, Belle. I know your heart is somewhere else. Sometimes you just love one person that even truth can’t change it.”
Drops of rain started to fall. The pain was etched all over his face. We walked back towards the building in silence. We parted ways each holding on to the pain of wanting someone and not having it.
I watched Jeff walk away from me. I watched the man that every woman in her right mind could ask for. I watched a friend walk away…
I held on to my mobile phone so tight. It was still bleeping messages from the man. I wanted to ignore them. I wanted to call on to Jeff. Instead, I turned away.
What the hell is wrong with me?